For those people who just got friended by some weirdo called nibbatti, that's me. Acting on the impulse I spoke about in my last edit.

I might still update this one if I need to bitch and moan about family stuff, but I'd like to try and have a more positive outlook in the new LJ... see you there hopefully.

PS: If I could be readded to all those friends lists and the like again I'd be really grateful, sorry to be a pain!

I'm wondering about mentally starting the year again... Just trying to pretend that the first three months were an unfortunate dream/hibernation period...

Part of me wants to wrap up this LJ with it, since for a long time it's been a dumping ground for me to unload the thoughts about what's happened with my dad and family.

Not sure whether it's a valid idea (if any mechanisms you ever use to get around the mess in your head can be called valid), but I guess I feel the need for some kind of action to get my out of this rut, and back to moving on with life.

Last week Daniel promised to contact me on Wednesday evening to tell me what happened in the meeting with the solicitor.

Thursday morning came, nothing from Daniel.
I sent an SMS, no response.
I tried to phone, no return call.

Yesterday, he got in contact. But only because now he wants me to sign something else.

I'm tired of having to ask for the most basic information because I'm not there. I'm tired of it dragging on. I'm tired of every time I have to deal with anything like this it making me cry. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired.

While this week off is utterly required, and I'm not sure I'd have coped with work and feeling like this, it offends me that I'm using my holiday this way; just to get by.

The weekend was good, but hard. Involved a lot of being nowhere near as drunk as the rest of them, but faking doing okay/having a good time.

Since getting home, I've gone into full on hermit mode. Not logged into anything, only checked LJ this morning, not even checked email. And not sure it'll change for the rest of the week...

Work is also a little odd right now.

I've been assigned a new job role, I kind of like it, it does at least involve a lot less stress. I've backed off completely from what I was doing previously, which in effect was running the team despite it having had two managers apparently doing that job. Turns out that back off has been noticed, and people are questioning the new team leader.

Personally, I've questioned him for a while. What it boils down to is that I don't trust him to pass on the information I need to do my job. Get on with him great in person, but without that trust I end up doing more work than I have to to make sure everything's covered, or have to rush things because I didn't know when deadlines were. Same thing has happened to numerous other people in the team, and in fact has just happened to one of our biggest projects - lead designer kept asking when deadlines were and kept being told no pressure, just to make sure everything was done right. Only now the deadline is June 1st, which is incredibly close when you're talking about a project of this size.

Add into that consultants at Sky trying to stitch me up to do far more work than I ever imagined (although now part of me is wondering how much of that was due to miscommunication errors between her and the team leader), and the same thing seemingly happening from within the company as well, and the fact this team move is still apparently up in the air... work is a weird place to be right now.

Incredibly social weekend ahead. Incredibly hermit mood for the last week or so. Not sure the two will work together in any shape or form.

Makes me nervous really. The last thing in the world I want is to go all the way to Ireland and then feel the need to spend all my time hiding in my hotel room, or by myself looking at waves.

So glad that Laura's coming too, I get a feeling that I might need just those few people around who realise that I'm a little fragile right now and may need coaxing.

Sometimes I really hate the way I react to stress.

The dull headache for days on end I can cope with, but in a totally predictable fashion it's turned into much pain with slight light and sound sensitivity.

Just want Wednesday to be over, so that I can start getting back to normal. Or at least something like it.

I have hopefully come up with a way to deal with the notaire/form issue. I've sent a photocopy of my birth certificate, the signed form and the copy of the dvd I got from ChannelTV to Daniel.

He's going to the meeting with Julie, taking with him the same form signed by Toby. She's signing for the underage kids. So, my theory is that if Daniel and Julie are happy to sign and hand over Toby's form, then they can hand over mine at the same time. If there's anything wrong, then at least there's a human factor - since french lawyers obviously aren't...

Anyway, it'll all be over this time next week, when I'll be drinking myself silly in Ireland. Could be worse...

Got a phonecall tonight to say that Granny's coming out of hospital tomorrow.
Woo yay, right?

As it happens, I'm not sure.

See the thing is, this time in hospital has left Granny better off than she's been in at least a year, if not more. She's back to going out to play cards, she's much less anxious and they've managed to get rid of the sore on her leg that she's had since being in hospital when her hip broke about this time last year. I'm really worried that going back to Stuart Court will leave her back where she was 6 months ago... admittedly not as bad as she was just after my dad died, but still not good. That place still conjures up comparisons to planes circling above an airport waiting to be allowed to reach their final destination... and that's not the life I want for her.

Jealousy is an ugly emotion. It's also a pointless emotion when you're jealous of something that's just unavailable to you. And yet I can't help myself.

The family you're born into is an utter lottery, everyone knows that. I didn't do so badly... no physical abuse, no real money worries, a house I adored to grow up in and a better than average education. But when I see how close Arjan's family are I feel bereft.

I've never had that closeness and never will. And at the moment, because of all the family thoughts that would have been so much easier to deal with had I not had the uncertainty looming behind it all, it upsets me more than is right or understandable.